Chinese New Year blues

It's been an eventful weekend. Had band outing on Saturday, waking up late for Gkidz on Sunday cos slept too late on the day before and reunion dinner at grandpa's on Sunday, visiting today.

It's been great just being able to take sometime off from work. I don't feel as tired out, and am more energetic than usual.
But it's not been easy having to face certain things.

This Chinese New Year is kinda gloomy. Without my grandma's presence in the house, it just seems lacking. No steamboat this year. We've all become quiet during reunion dinner. Despite my pretending to joke around, it just doesn't work. I can't help but feel that this family is gonna fall apart if we find that there's no more reason to come together. Every one of my uncles are married with children, we all have separate lives, unlike the past. I can't help but reminisce about how it was just my sister and I being the kids in the household, and being doted on by our grandparents and our uncles. And we were all so close.

Today we just sat in front of the TV and did nothing. Just watched TV from noon till night (other than having lunch and dinner). How? Are we going to be like this every year from now on?

Moving on to the next subject, I came face to face with another issue this week. I've already put it down, period. I've already made that decision, period. God knows the conviction He planted in my heart. That conviction has not wavered. But my will has. And I realize that it's not a one-off decision where I can just put a stop to it once and for all. Why does this feeling just come back? The wanting to just find out what is really happening. Sometimes, I just wish that I knew what is going on in that person's mind. How I wish yes is just yes, no is just no. No gray areas. How I wish everything can just come to light once and for all. I cannot carry on for another 1 year and 3 months of emotional baggage anymore. It's too heavy. I cannot endure it. I cannot waste precious time any longer. I don't want to keep guessing anymore.