A facade of emotional incapacity
A spirit that was weary
A soul that became parched and dry
That cannot be seen
By the human eye
But the heart has found its way home
Listening to the swoosh of the sea waves
The rustle of the tree leaves
The brush of the wind against the cheek
The heart is hushed and quietened
Familiar voice and memories
Of a beautiful psalm
He says, "My little girl
Do you know why you hold
Psalm 139 so dear to your heart?"
*Little girl shakes her head*
"Because it tells you how much I love you."
The heart, overwhelmed with love,
Realizes the truth of what follows:
"Jesus loves me, this I know
For the Bible tells me so."
© ayxt 31.08.2008
Broken
I've had enough of myself
Thought this is who I am
But I'm afraid that
This piece of "truth" is gonna give way soon
To something so hideous
I'm afraid to find
Something behind that door
Skeletons of mine
Too many to hide
Falling from ten storeys high
A pedestal I built for myself
And yet this free fall doesn't seem to end
I can't take it anymore
Screaming for help
Bruises. punches. blows.
How many more? How many more?
The door bursts open
All of them fall out
The truth has come to light
I am not what I am
A façade I've painted of myself
With a magic paintbrush
That is how far away I am
That is how little I am
That is how weak I am
How can I return
How can you accept me
For who I am
This ugly sight
With cords of death wrapped around
But you saw this before anyone else did
And you saw how far I've gone
You saw how desperately I needed you to save me
And you did what you knew you had to do
Because it is not about
Who I am
What I've done
What I've made
How far I've gone
But it is
Who you are
What you've done
How much you've given
It is
Your love.
© ayxt 05.7.2008
Everlasting Embrace
Traded part of myself
For a momentary high
Made a huge mistake
That I can never undo
Thought that when I chose
To share that part of myself
I'd experience something more
I was wrong
Fell into a deep abyss
Of misery and emptiness
A black hole of nothingness
I was screaming for help
A confusion of all sorts
Guilt, loss, disappointment
Anger, distrust, sorrow, disgust.
Sorry couldn't make it ok
but my sorries He heard
Sorry opened up His arms
And showed me to where He was
To the place of crucifixion
As His hands were nailed one by one
Bones crushed
There He said
"As far as the east is from the west
That is how far my love has travelled
To remove you from your sins."
And this is the day I come running
Back into my Father's arms
Not a temporal moment
but an everlasting embrace
This is how I am forgiven
This is how my sins have been washed away
This is my Father's love.
© ayxt 21.6.2008
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Frozen Rose (I)
I sought for approval
In the eyes of man
And I failed terribly
People look at me
With standards of this world
Standards I can never attain
Stick-thin beauty
Artificial layers
Porcelain skin
I never ever was
I sought for approval
In the eyes of those whom I care about
Time I took
Effort I put in
Heart I gave
Overlooked
Neglected
Pushed aside
Underappreciated
Called weak
Always standing in the shadows of somebody else
I'm never quite enough it seems
Will they ever hear my cry
Or have I not tried hard enough
In the quiet You came and whispered
"I know your heart inside out, my dear child
I know when you sing about Me,
your heart sings with all of its strength, all of its might, all of its soul.
I know you have a pure heart that's for Me, My child.
Do not listen to the voices of others,
Turn your ear to Me.
You are beautiful
Your thick black hair
Your big brown eyes
Your melodious voice
This creation I've made with My own hands
I love you with all My heart
I hold you with both My hands
I'm molding you into who I've designed you to be.
Ice shards falling away
This frozen rose with no thorns
Blooming into full color
This is what I've had in mind all along.
A heart that is full of love, full of beauty
That is abundant to give freely, bloom freely
A rose,
No other flower that is quite as beautiful as you are."
© ayxt 7.6.2008
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Life Changed
How beautiful
How wonderful
Your creations are
From the deep blue sea
To the strong firm tree
To this one and only me
How ugly
How disdainful
Are my sins
I broke Your heart, Lord
I’ve disappointed you many times before
I’ve become tainted
Corrupted
But then You came
And took on the weight of my ugly sins
On Your shoulders
On Your being
Your blood You shed
Your life You gave
To cleanse away my sins
Now I’ve become pure as snow
White as the clouds
Holy as You’ve first created me
You who knew no sin
Became sin
And took on all the darkness for me
Now Your light shines
Your glory displayed
In this life that
You’ve redeemed, renewed and changed
Thank You Lord
For every single thing You’ve done
Every word You spoke into my heart
Convicting me, encouraging me,
Building me up to be who You’ve intended for me to be.
© ayxt 26.4.2008
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Throwing Away
With each stone that I throw
My load lightens
With each stone I throw
My burden into the sea
With each stone I throw
My heart lightens
With each stone I throw
Memories I let go
With each stone I throw
My Dad sees
With each stone I throw
He catches and pounds into dust
With each stone I throw
I feel peace
One by one He takes them
From upon my heart
The weight becomes lighter
I become carefree
He says, “Give to me your burdens
And I will set you free.”
My joy and my peace is anchored in Him.
© ayxt 19.4.2008
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your Love for me
I never want to forget Your love for me
The suffering You went through for me
The torturous breaths you gasped in deep
The endless pain You bore with Your hands and feet
The tears of love You shed and bled
Lest I forget Your love for me
Convict me each day my heart
That You chose to take my place
My sins, my shame
On the cross of Calvary
Not because of who I am
But because of Your love for me
© ayxt 8.4.2008
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Hand
everyday is an uphill climb
but Lord, You are the hand
that is pulling me up
Lord, You are the hand
that is holding mine
Lord, You are the One
who is fighting beside me
Never letting me go
© ayxt 30.3.2008
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Minusing Me
I am not who you think I am.
I am fake. artificial. hypocritical. a liar.
I am an actor, a performer, with a mask.
I am not the person you think I am.
I wish I could be, but I’m not.
I am but a shell that will crumble to dust someday.
All my inadequacies.
All the chipped off parts.
I’ve failed miserably.
I claim to love God but
Time is not spent with Him.
Time is not spent on Him.
Time is not spent in Him.
Where is the desire for Him
I proclaim of?
Time passes away without Him
Day in, day out.
Where is the desire?
I am sorry, God.
I am still learning
How to love and respect You.
Please help me.
More of You, less of me.
© ayxt 27.3.2008
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Incomparable Love
Jesus
You are the Lover of my soul
No one else can love me
As much as you do
The grains of the sand
That rub against my feet
The grains of the sand
Remind me of Your love so deep
How deep
How big
How far
How wide
How long
is Your love for me.
© ayxt 18.3.2008
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hosanna
O Lord
All these words
All these songs
Cannot fully express
What I’m feeling right now
But this is the only way I know how
There’s a hunger in me
A longing that no one else can fill
I need more of You
A desire that nothing else can satisfy
I thirst for more of You
A pain that’s clawing at my throat
An ache that’s crying out for You
from the depths of my soul
Hosanna. Save me now.
© ayxt 16.3.2008
*”Hoshana” (הושענא) is a Hebrew word meaning please save or save now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
taking away all the whys
deepest of the deep
pain of the most painful
loneliness of the loneliest
question of all questions
the big why
why God? why take it away?
why God? why put me through this situation?
why God? do I really have to give it up?
why God? I know the best is yet to come but why?
why God?
but yet God, I know…
You take it away but You hold my future in Your hands
You put me through this because You are moulding me to Your image
You say to give it up but You are the one whom I can cling onto
You promise me the best of the best at the time You know is the best
I don’t know but God You know.
And maybe that’s enough.
© ayxt 11.3.2008
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here in Me
No matter where I go,
No matter what I do,
No matter what I think
God knows where I’m going
God knows what I’m going to do
God knows even before I think
He’s going to be there where I go,
He’s going to be there when I do,
He’s going to be there with me.
Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Where can I flee from Your Presence?
I do not have to search high and low
Because He is here in me.
© ayxt 3.3.2008
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Immeasurable
Waters splash
Rushing against the shores
Waves that tumble
Roaring in the wind
Deep green waters
Set against the blue skies
Ships sailing
Trails of smoke behind them
White clouds
A spot of light
shines down on my cheek
Waves of calmness
As I breathe
My body rests easy
Moving to the flow of the wind
Cool air grazes my cheeks
Glides along my neck
Rushes through my hair
Embracing me, surrounding me
Enfolding me in His love
Hemming in behind and before
Lord, how I long
to rush into the wind
Lord, how I long
to run into the waves
Hugging the air
Hugging the waters
Knowing You are there
But You are not there
Lord, I sense Your love
Lord, I hunger for more of Your love
To fill this deep never-ending well
My love, my dear sweet child
Look at the seas
that are roaring in the wind
My love for you far exceeds
those volumes of waters
My love
Look at the sands
The grains of which
speak of how much my heart loves you
My love for you is immeasurable
© ayxt 24.2.2008
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pruning Me
here I am
staring at this blank screen
with all this hurt in me
yet you don’t know
you don’t know
sitting here crying
no one knows
only He knows
and all I can do is
accept
trust &
obey
choosing Your will instead of mine
broken heart
it is crying
tears drip
knowing that he doesn’t know
knowing that it is all
part of a pruning process
pluck. snip. cut.
these leaves fall to the ground
this tree is in pain.
God only You know
only You know.
and one day I will come to know why.
but for now I will trust and obey.
© ayxt 22.2.2008
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Only Your Love
human love
slip
slip
slip
away from my hands
drain
drain
drain
away from my heart
A fire burning away
that I did not smell
A guilt that eats away
At this broken heart
d
r
i
p
d
r
i
p
d
r
i
p
Can you stop them
From falling
a
d
i
s
a
p
p
o
i
n
t
m
e
n
t
it must have been to you
But who knows?
Who knows?
But Him
Inside out
this guilt
these tears
that are clawing away at this throat
Come
Fill this heart with Your love
Take away the guilt, the pain, the dizziness. Why is it spinning all around?
Only You know this heart
Inside out
Cracks. Holes. Wounds.
Only Your love can fill.
Only Your love can make me whole.
© ayxt 2.2.2008
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Window of the Soul
Window, window of the soul,
Who is the prettiest of them all?
The girl with the Big Brown Eyes,
Or the one with the hourglass figure?
Is it through the eyes, the face or the lips
That you assess who is or isn't beautiful?
But really,
Who are you to judge anybody else?
Are you perfect or without flaws?
Window, Window of the soul,
Why is it that you are often blinded
By the curtains that society has put on you?
Why do you not try to see beyond
That layer of skin
And see what's really beneath?
Perhaps then you'll find a diamond
That will truly brighten up your life.
© ayxt 10.06.2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Morning Glory
Morning Glory, what have you done?
You've crawled all over the Daisies
And caused so much damage to them
To think Mother Daisy had trusted them to you
And yet you entwined their stems and suffocated them
You block out the sunshine
And drink the water they need
What kind of flower are you?
Laying around and relying on others
Is all you've ever accomplished
Can't you ever stand straight?
I see a tear welling up in your eye
It flows out and down your cheek and chin
Then another falls
It seems to be screaming,
"Is there anyway I can flow back
And revert the hands of Time?"
"I do not wish to to creep anymore,"
Morning Glory said
"I want to stand up tall."
******* (A day passes)
The sun comes out again
The pretty Daisies are blooming brightly
And so are the roses, carnations and sunflowers
They see traces of creepers on the fence,
But Morning Glory is nowhere to be seen
No, she's not gone
She's just lying on the floor,
Not a movement, no, not at all
She's just too tired to move, that's all.
Because she tried & tried & tried
To remove her legs and hands
Away from the Daisies
In the dark last night
But soon, she could try no more
Her neck had broke
No, she didn't die
She is ONLY resting, that is ALL.
© ayxt 10.06.2004
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