4 months of cleaning

Changed my blog template yesterday. Nice eh? Haha and I realize the template's in Reina's favorite black, white and red color combination.

Taking a break from that stupid science term paper.

Was kind of reflecting. This Year of Sabbath has really not been easy. God has already begun cleaning and sweeping in me but the year has just moved into the second quarter.

One of the major changes has to do with my lifestyle. Even though I haven't exactly totally changed. Issues like sleeping late, spending too much on time my mac, not eating on time, lack of regular exercise are things that God have highlighted to me so far. To be honest, I can't remember the last time I slept before 11pm. I've been sleeping late ever since my JC days and often I stay up until 5am the next day (which is why I've got permanent dark circles under my eyes, lol). But God has spoken, and I need to take this seriously. I am not gonna deny that it's been hard trying to sleep early. And honestly, these past 2 weeks I've totally not tried because of various things like assignments but mainly it's cos of I stay up late doing nonsense. And I often get "scoldings" from various people who care about me (my mom, my dad, Sarah, Reina, etc...). Sigh. But I've decided. For these 3 weeks of studying for the exams, I'm gonna start and maintain a healthy regime. Sleep early, wake up early to exercise and study for most of the day. I believe I can do it by His strength. God, give me the strength to do it and the perseverance to do it. I wanna live a life that's pleasing to You.

There's just so many other things that He has been working in me. Like trusting in Him for the best that He has planned for me. It's easy to say that I trust Him. But to be honest, I've yet to put my 100% of my weight on Him. In a specific area of my life la. But I've been slowly letting go. "Gotten rid" of many things that I kept. Haha people who know me know that I'm a very sentimental person and I tend to keep items that are of meaning to me. Which is why it's been hard. To "rid" myself of these things I've held dear to me for a long time. To throw them away. To "delete" them. I sound silly. But fact is, I still have a huge chunk of stuff that I've yet to part with (yeah Reina babe, still a lot left in my mac. whatever I told ya so far have only been tiny baby steps).

Another issue I've been confronted with these last 2 weeks was that I lost my fervor for God. And partly due to the issue I talked about in the previous paragraph. Felt like I was disappointed by God and this coupled with inconsistent qt made things worse. I have learnt that when God means to take something away, you will not see it coming and you will not be able to turn around the situation no matter how hard you try simply because it is not His will for you (or at least not at that point in time). Last Sunday, I couldn't even get myself to sing for joy for God. Basically slipped into a mode of lukewarmness for 2 weeks until God woke me up through Psalm 90 during service.

7 We are consumed by your anger
and terrified by your indignation.

8 You have set our iniquities before you,
our secret sins in the light of your presence.

9 All our days pass away under your wrath;
we finish our years with a moan.

10 The length of our days is seventy years—
or eighty, if we have the strength;
yet their span is but trouble and sorrow,
for they quickly pass, and we fly away.

11 Who knows the power of your anger?
For your wrath is as great as the fear that is due you.

12 Teach us to number our days aright,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

And over this past week, I have been seeking God to create a willing spirit in me to even just desire His presence once more in life. That I would be fired up for Him once again. That He would rekindle His fire in my heart once more. And on Tuesday, God spoke to me through "Shine Jesus Shine" when we sang it during prayer meeting at school. Haha... don't ever underestimate the power of God through a Sunday school song. He also showed me that poster of a fire bird on the wall of Raffles Hall (the colors of its wings were faded but somehow sensed that God was telling me that He will make the colors vibrant again and to me it represented that rekindling of His fire in my heart that I was desperately asking God for).

I never want to be lukewarm again. Not a place you wanna be in man.

(Ok I'm gonna speak in "code" in this paragraph - probably only 2 people know what I'm talking about,)
But to be honest, I am still on tenterhooks about that-which-has-been-fixed-already even though it has been set in stone already but I don't know God's next step for me (in this issue). It may have been fixed already and I know I said I'm not as concerned as before whether it's gonna come through but truth is when I do think about it and as it pends nearer, I do wonder if God is going to take it away like last time. I am not afraid of Him taking it away but I just don't want to go through the same frustration again. If it's not gonna work out in the end, I just wish that God will "tell" me earlier, not nearer to the day itself, not when everything's been ok-ed already. But then again God says in Proverbs 16:9,

9 In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps.

Sigh. Teach me how to trust in You, God. =)